Nine Tales for Children

Karel Čapek

plus one additional tale by Josef Čapek

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The Great Doctor's Tale

 

            A long time ago, there was a sorcerer called 'The Magus' who lived and performed his magic on Hejšov Hill.  As you know, there are some magicians who are good, and some who are bad, but The Magus was somewhere between the two; sometimes he was so good that he would cast no spells at all, and sometimes he cast spells so powerful that the wind would howl and the sky would would crash with thunder and lightning.  One time he had the idea of making it rain stones, and one time even even made it rain little frogs.  In short, whatever you might think of him, a magician like this was not a nice person to have as a neighbour and even people who insisted they didn't believe in magic would always rather avoid going anywhere near Hejšov Hill; they said it was too much work to walk up the slope but really they were afraid of the magician!

            One day, The Magus was sitting in front of his cave eating plums, beautiful, big, dark-blue plums, while his assistant, freckle-faced Vincek (his real name was 'Vincenc Nyklíček of Zlička'!), was back inside at the fireplace mixing a bad luck potion made of sulphur, valerian, mandrake, snake-root, centaury, toadstool and devil-spice, of axle grease, hellstone and sage, of the droppings of a goat and the whiskers of a rat, of wasp stings, nightmares and seed of Zanzibar, and then a few magician's spices such as mugwort and panacaea.  And the Magus just sat there eating his plum and watching as his freckle-faced assistant mixed and stirred and mixed and stirred.  But poor Vincek seems to have left something out of the potion that should have been there as it began to scorch and burn and sizzle and bake and filled the cave with thick smoke that had a terrible smell. 

            "You clumsy fool," the Magus began to shout at him, but then, in his rush to tell Vincek off, he seems to have swallowed down the wrong way, or perhaps he tried to swallow the wrong plum, but in short, he swallowed the plum, stone and all, and the stone got jammed in his throat so that it wouldn't go down and it wouldn't come out and all the Magus could do was shout 'You cl...' - and then he couldn't say any more, not a word.  All he could do was splutter and gasp as if he had been drinking something that was too hot.  His face went red and he waved his hands about and he spluttered, but the stone from the plum was firmly stuck in his throat and stayed just where it was. 

            When Vincek saw what was happening he was very alarmed.  The Magus was like a father to him and he was frightened he might be choking and he said, "Master, wait here, I'll run into town for a doctor."  And so he ran down Hejšov Hill as fast as he could.   It's a pity there was no-one there to time him as it must have been a world record in long-distance running. 

            When he arrived at the doctor's house and as soon as he'd got his breath back he spluttered, "Doctor, doctor, quick, you've got to come to The Magus, the magician, hurry, quick, or else he'll choke, oh how I've been hurrying!"

            "The Magus, up on Hejšov Hill?" said the doctor crossly.  "Limey, I don't want to go up there, but if somebody needs me I suppose I've got to."  And so he went.  A doctor, you see, can't refuse to help anyone who needs it even if he's called out to help someone like a robber or even, God help him, Lucifer himself.  That's the sort of job it is, being a doctor. 

            So the doctor picked up his bag with all his knives, and pliers for pulling out teeth, and bandages, and medicines, and ointments, and plaster for broken legs, and all the other things a doctor needs and went with Vincek up on Hejšov Hill.  "I just hope we're not too late," freckle-faced Vincek kept worrying, and so they went as fast as they could through the hills and the pinewoods, through the bogs, through hummocks and the flatlands until freckle-faced Vincek said, "Here we are, doctor, we've arrived".

"At your service, Mr. Magus," said the doctor from the town, "now where does it hurt?"

            Magus the magician, instead of answering the doctor's question, just grumbled and hissed and snorted and pointed to his throat where the plumstone was stuck.

            "Oh, you've got a sore throat," said the doctor.  "Well let's have a look at it, shall we, just open your mouth nice and wide and say 'ah' ". 

            The magician pulled his black whiskers away to each side and opened his mouth as wide as he could, but he wasn't able to say 'ah' because wasn't able to make any sound with his voice at all. 

            "Come along now, say 'ah'," the doctor urged him.  "Surely you can manage that, can't you?"

            The Magus shook his head to show that somehow he couldn't manage that.

            "Dear oh dear oh dear!" said the doctor.  This doctor was a sly man, a clever man, a foxy man, astute, a crafty man a wise man, no fool, he was a man who had something between his ears and something behind his eyes as well.  "Dear oh dear, Mr. Magus, this looks very bad indeed if you can't even say 'ah'.  What can I do, what can I do?' he said, and he began to look at parts of his body and tap on parts of his head and test on the pulse in his wrist and check on the shade of his tongue and look at the lids of his eyes, he shone a light up his nose and a light in his ears and all the time he was muttering words in Latin.  When he had finished with all this long examination he looked very serious and he said, "Mr. Magus, this is a very serious matter, there's nothing for it but to perform an operation as soon as possible.  But I couldn't  do an operation here, and I couldn't do it by myself without an assistant.  If you want to undergo the operation there's nothing for it but to send for some medical colleagues of mine who live in towns a long way away, and when they get here we'll hold a medical council and discuss the matter and when we've considered the matter for a long time we can undertake the operation you need.  Think about it, Mr. Magus, and if you take my advice you'll send your assistant as quickly as possible for my very learned and venerable colleagues."

            Well what could the magician do?  He nodded to freckle-faced Vincek, and Vincek stamped his feet three times so that he could run faster, and then he rushed off down the hill to the towns where the three learned and venerable colleagues of the doctor lived.  For the time being, let's leave him to carry on running. 

 

The Princess in the Land of Solomon

            While freckle-faced Vincek ran off to the three different towns where the three different doctors lived, the first doctor sat with the magician and made sure he didn't choke to death.  To make the time go faster, he had a little smoke and sat there in silence on the hillside as he waited. 

            If he began to get bored, he cleared his throat and smoked some more.  Then, so that he wouldn't get tired, he yawned three times and dozed off.  After a long time, he declared with a sigh, "ah, yes".  After another half hour he stretched his arms and legs out and said, "dear, dear, dear".  And after another hour or so he added, "perhaps we could have a game of cards; do you have any playing cards, Mr. Magus?". 

            The magician wasn't able to speak, so he just shook his head.

            "No?  That's a pity," said the doctor sadly.  "I'd have thought a great magician like you would have a pack of cards at home.  There was a magician who came to give a performance in our pub once; what was he called again?; Navrátil, or Don Bosco, or Magorello, something like that; you'd be amazed what magic tricks he did with those cards; still I suppose magic is something you have to learn like anything else."

            Then he had another little smoke and said, "Well, as you haven't got any cards here I'll tell you a story about a princess in the Soloman Isles; that'll make the time pass quicker; if you know the story just tell me and I'll stop. 

            "As you know, out beyond the Raven Hills and the Sargasso Sea are the Dalaman Islands and after them there is the Charivari Desert, overgrown with thick woods where Eldorado, the capital city of the Gypsies, can be found; then you follow the latitudes and the longitudes until the river, you cross the river on the footbridge and follow the path to the left until you reach the willow tree and the burdock and there you will see the great and powerful Sultanate of the Solomans.   So now you know exactly where it is, don't you. 

            "As you can tell from the name, the Sultanate of the Solomans was governed by a sultan, and his name was Solomon.  This sultan had one daughter called Zubejda.  Nobody knew why, as she had seemed perfectly healthy until then, but one day Princess Zubejda began to feel weak and to groan and to cough, she got thinner and thinner and paler and paler, she was sad and she sighed and it made you sad just to look at her.  Needless to say, the sultan called in the court wizards and exorcists and magicians and wise-women and scientists and seers and astrologers and faith healers and quacks and barber-surgeons as quickly as they could come, but none of them could do anything to help the princess.  If she had been here I think I'd say she was suffering from anaemia, pleurosis and bronchial catarrh, but they didn't know very much about medicine in the Sultanate of the Solomans and they didn't even know how to talk about it in Latin.  And so, as you can imagine, the old sultan was very upset.  Oh dear, oh dear, he said, how I'd been looking forward to the day when the girl would take over from me as the head of a rich and happy sultanate, and now, poor thing, she's close to dying in front of my eyes, and I can't do a thing to help her!  And everyone in the country felt just as sad. 

            "Just then, a pedlar from Bohemia arrived, a certain Mr. Lustig, and when he heard about how ill the princess was he said, 'His highness, the sultan, ought to summon one of our doctors from Europe, we know much more about medicine there; all you have here are exorcists and herbalists and magicians, but in Europe there are proper doctors who've studied very hard and know lots of things'. 

            "When the sultan heard about this he summoned Mr. Lustig to his court, bought a string of glass beads from him for the princess, and then he asked him, 'Mr. Lustig, how do the people in your country know when somebody really is a proper doctor who's studied hard and knows lots of things?'

            " 'That's very easy,' said Mr. Lustig.  'If he has 'Dr.' in front of his name, such as 'Dr. Mann' or 'Dr. Smith' and so on, then you know that he's a proper doctor.  And if he doesn't have 'Dr.' in front of his name then he's not a proper doctor who's studied hard and knows lots of things.'

            " 'Aha!' said the sultan, and he rewarded Mr. Lustig with lots and lots of sultanas - the sort, that is, that are like very nice currants and raisins.  And then he sent some ambassadors to Europe to bring back a doctor for the princess.  'But remember,' he warned them before they left, 'that a proper doctor who knows lots of things will always have 'Dr.' in front of his name.  Don't bring back anyone who doesn't have 'Dr.' in front of his name, or I'll have your ears and your heads cut off.  Now go!'

            "Now Mr. Magus," said the doctor on Hejšov Hill, "if I were to tell you about all the things that happened to these ambassadors on their journey to Europe this would be a very long story indeed.  But, after lots of hardships and difficulties, these ambassadors did arrive in Europe and began to look round for where they could find a doctor for Princess Zubejda.

            "So the party of ambassadors, grand and impressive with turbans on their heads and thick beards as long as a cat's tail, set out through a dark wood.  They walked on and on until they met an old man carrying an axe and a saw on his shoulder.

'God be with you,' the old man greeted them.

            " 'And with you,' the ambassadors replied, and 'what manner of man are you?' they asked.

            " 'Thanks for asking,' the man replied,  'but me, I'm just a drudge'.

            "The pagans pricked up their ears at this, and said, 'But sir, that is very interesting.  If you are the honourable Dr. Udge then we need to ask you to stop and come quickly with us to the land of Solomon. His Highness Sultan Solomon has given his orders and you are invited to be his honoured guest at his court; but if you delay or if you hesitate then we will have to take you by force, and so, we advise you, esteemed and noble one, not to quarrel with us'.

            " 'But ... but what can the sultan want with me?' asked the man in amazement.

            " 'He has a job for you to do,' said the ambassadors.

            " 'I suppose I'd better go then,' agreed the man.  'I've been looking for work anyway.  And you might like to know I can work as hard as a drill sergeant.' 

            "The ambassadors winked to each other and said, 'This, your excellencies, is just the man we've been looking for!'

            " 'Hold on, though,' said the drudge.  'First I want to know how much the sultan is going to pay me.  I'm not dreaming of of a fortune, but how do I know the sultan isn't a driver of slaves?'

            "The ambassadors of the Sultanate of the Solomons replied quite politely.  'That does not matter, sir, even if you are not Dr. Eaming.  As Dr. Udge you will be just as welcome.  As for our esteemed sultan, you can take our word that he is not Dr. Iver, he is just a perfectly normal overlord and tyrant.'

            " 'That's alright then,' said the drudge.  'And what about the food?  When I'm working I can eat like a dragon and drink like a dromedary.'

            " 'Honoured sir,' the ambassadors assured him, 'we will do everything to make sure that you are entirely satisfied in that respect.'

            "And with that, and with much honour and celebration, they showed the drudge the way to their ship and sailed away with him to the land of Solomon.  When they arrived the sultan hurried up onto his throne and ordered that they be brought to him.  The ambassadors bowed down low and the one who was oldest and had the longest whiskers spoke:  'Most generous lord and master, prince of all believers, Lord Sultan Soloman.  At your noble behest we have been as far as the island known as Europe in order to seek out the most learned, most famous and most respected doctor for Princess Zubejda.  And here, Lord Sultan, we have him.  This is the renowned, world-famous Dr. Udge.  He is so great that he works as much as  Dr. Ill-Sergeant, he is paid as much as Dr. Eamer, he eats as much as Dr. Agon and he drinks as much as Dr. Omedary, all of whom, my Lord Sultan, are famous and learned doctors, and so it is quite clear that we have found the right man for the job.  Hm, hm.  So that's all I have to say.'

            " 'Welcome, Dr. Udge,' said the sultan.  'Please come and look and my daughter, the Princess Zubejda.'

            "Well, I don't see why not, the man thought to himself, and the sultan himself led him into a dark, shadowy room, adorned with the most beautiful carpets and cushions and pillows on one of which lay Princess Zubejda as pale as wax and half asleep.

            " 'Oh dear,' said the man sympathetically.  'Your daughter looks green, your majesty.'

            " 'She does,' the sultan sighed.

            " 'And she's ever so thin,' he continued, 'almost wasted away to nothing.'

            " 'She is,' the sultan added sadly.  'And she doesn't want to have anything to eat.'

            " 'Thin as a needle,' said the man.  'Just a wisp.  And she's hasn't got any colour in her cheeks.  I think she must be seriously ill.'

            " 'Well of course she's ill,' said the sultan, disappointed.  'That's why I sent for you, so that you would cure her as you're Dr. Udge.'

            " 'Me?' answered the drudge in surprise.  'How on Earth am I supposed to cure her?'

            " 'Well that's your business,' the sultan said crossly.   'That's why you're here, and I'm warning you, if you don't cure her I'll have your head cut off and that will be the end of you.'

            " 'You can't do that!' the man defended himself in some alarm, but Sultan Soloman would not listen.

            " 'Don't give me any excuses!' he said sternly.  'I don't have time for any of that, I have to govern the country.  Just get to work and let's see what you can do.'  And off he went to sit on the throne and govern the country. 

            "This is awful, said the man to himself when he was left alone, how did I get myself into a mess like this?  How am I supposed to cure some princess?  I don't know about that sort of thing!  Why did this have to happen to me?  All that time of drudgery for other people and what have I got to show for it?  If I don't cure this girl they'll chop me head off.  If this wasn't just a fairy tale I'd say they couldn't possibly do it, just chop somebody's head off for nothing.  Damn it, what am doing here in a fairy tale?  Something like this couldn't ever happen to me in real life!  And I really wish I knew how I'm going to get out of it!

            "This and even gloomier thoughts went through the poor drudge's head as he sat on the doorstep in the sultan's palace and sighed.  Oh heck!, he said to himself.  How did this happen?  How come I'm here and they expect me to play the doctor?  If they told me 'chop down that tree' or 'carry that load' I could show them what I'm worth.   I'd set to it so fast they'd see the sparks fly.  And I can see how it's all overgrown all round the buildings, like a jungle it is, won't even let the sunlight in to get at the windows; I even expect all the houses must be damp because of it, all going mouldy and full of cockroaches!  Alright then, I'll show them just how I can work!

            "And having said that, he threw off his coat, spat on his palms, picked up chopper and shears and began to clear away the woods that had overgrown the sultan's palace.  These weren't apple trees and pear trees, they weren't nut trees like in Europe, it was all palms and oleanders and coconut trees, dragon trees and latanies and figs, mahogany and ebony and other exotic greenery that grew right up into the sky.  Magus, you'd be amazed if you saw how that man got to work.  By the time it was midday he had already cleared away as much undergrowth as was needed, so then he wiped the sweat off his brow, pulled a piece of bread and cheese that he had brought with him from home out of his pocket, and began to eat. 

            "Up until then the princess had been asleep in her gloomy bedroom.  Even with all the noise the man was making in front of the palace with his chopper and shears she slept as soundly as she ever had done.  She didn't wake up until she was woken by the sudden quietness as the man stopped chopping down trees, settled down on a pile of wood and bit into his bread and cheese. 

            "Then the princess opened her eyes and was amazed to see how light it was in her room.  For the first time in her life a full cascade of sunlight was shining in and filling the room with the light of Heaven.  There was such a flood of light that the princess could hardly see, and at the same time there was the lovely smell of freshly cut wood coming in through the window, so strong and beautiful that she drew in a deep and gorgeous breathful of it.  And besides that smell there was another one, one that the princess could not recognise; what could it be?  She got up and went to look out the window.  Instead of shadowy dampness there was a clearing shining bright in the midday sun, and at the edge of it was a big man eating something; and what the man was eating was what the princess had smelt.  You know that the most tempting smells always come from what somebody else is having for lunch. 

            "The princess wasn't able to resist, and the smell drew her out in front of the palace, closer and closer to that strange man so that she could see what it was that he was eating that smelt so good. 

            " 'Allo princess,' said the man with a mouthful of food.  'Would you like some of my bread and cheese?'  The princess blushed and shook her head; she was ashamed to say that she would have liked to try some of his bread and cheese very much.  'Here you are, then,' he said as he took his knife and handed her a large slice of bread with some cheese.  The princess looked round to check that no-one was watching.

            " 'Thank you,' she said, then bit into the bread and said, 'mm, that's good!'  Bread and cheese, you see, was something that the princess had never tasted before in her life. 

            "Just then, Sultan Soloman himself happened to look out of the window.  He couldn't believe his eyes: instead of dampness and darkness he saw a bright clearing there in the midday sunshine, and there on top of a pile of wood sat the princess, her face full of food and eating with more gusto than he had ever seen before. 

            " 'Oh, praise be to God,' the sultan sighed, 'God has brought this just and learned doctor to my daughter!' 

            "And ever since then, Magus, the princess got stronger and stronger and the colour came back to her cheeks and she had an appetite like a little wolf.  That's the difference that a little sunshine and fresh air can make.  And the reason I've told you about this is that you, too, live here in a dark cave where the sun doesn't shine and the wind brings no air and that, Magus, is not good for you.  That's what I wanted to tell you."

 

            Just when the doctor from Hronov had finished telling his story about the princess in the land of Solomon, freckle-faced Vincek ran up with the doctor from Hořička, the doctor from Úpice and the doctor from Kostelec.  "I've got them, I've got them," he called out when he was still a long way off.  "Oh, I've been running so hard!"

            "Welcome colleagues," said the doctor from Hronov.  "This is our patient, here, Magus the black magician.  You can already see that his state is very serious.  The patient has let us know that he has swallowed a plum or a damson or a pip.  In my humble opinion, he is suffering from severe plummitis. 

            "Hm, hm," said the doctor from Hořička.  "I think, rather, that it must be choking damsicity."

            "I don't like to disagree with my learned colleagues," said the doctor from Kostelec, "but I would say that this is a case of pippism of the throat."

            "Gentlemen," said the doctor from Úpice, "I think we will be able to agree on a diagnosis of severe damsonulous plummostonitis of the throat."

            "Congratulations Mr. Magus," declared the doctor from Hořička.  "This is a most rare disorder, and very difficult to treat."

            "An interesting case," added the doctor from Úpice.

            "Colleagues," said the doctor from Kostelec.  "I have had cases even better and more interesting than this one.  Have you ever heard of how I cured Hejkal of Krákorka?  If not, then I will tell you all about it."

 

 

The case of Hejkal of Krákorka

            "It's already a good few years now since Hejkal was living in the woods over Krákorka.  And he was one of the most horrible and frightening creatures that ever lived.  If anyone ever went into those woods then suddenly behind him he would hear a whispering or a murmuring or a whining or a groaning or a wailing or a screaming or a horrible spiteful laugh.  So you can well understand that anyone who heard a horror like that coming at him would be terrified, and he would run and tumble and get away as fast as he could and it was a wonder that the soul wasn't knocked out of him and frighten him to death.

            "That's what Hejkal used to do to people, and he did it around Krákorka for many years so that people were afraid ever to go out after dark. 

            "Then one day a strange sort of lad came into my surgery, with an enormous mouth that went all the way from one ear to the other, and some kind of cloth wrapped round his neck, and he wheezed and spluttered and coughed and grunted and rasped so that you couldn't understand a word he said. 

            " 'What is it that's wrong with you?' I asked.

            " 'Doctor, doctor,' wheezed the lad, 'I've completely, somehow, lost my voice.'

            " 'Well I can see that,' said I.  'And who, exactly, are you?'

            "The patient fidgeted a little, and then blurted out, 'I am Hejkal, Hejkal from the hills of Krákorka.

            " ' Aha,' I said, 'so you're that rascal, that accursed being, that's been frightening all the people in the wood.  Well if you've lost your voice it serves you right, a blighter like you!  Am I supposed to cure you of your laryngitis and pharyngitis and catarrh so that you can go back to creeping about the woods and chasing people away with your silly games?  No, you can just go away and carry on wheezing and coughing and at least we'll have some peace from you!'

            "And Hejkal began to implore me to help him; 'Doctor, please doctor, cure me of this hoarseness, I'll always be good from now on, I won't go round frightening people any more ... '

            " 'I should hope you won't do,' said I.  'You've been shouting too loud when you've been frightening people, have you, and strained your voice.  Listen, to go about the woods frightening people is not good for you, the woods are cold and damp and your throat and lungs are sensitive.  I don't know, I don't know; maybe I could cure you of your catarrh, but you'll have to give up frightening people for good and move somewhere a long way from the woods, otherwise nobody will be able to make you healthy again.'

            "Hejkal looked sad, and scratched behind his ear.  'That wouldn't be an easy thing to do, doctor.  What would I live on if I gave up frightening people?  Being the man of the woods and growling is all that I can do, or at least it would be if I still had my voice.'

            " 'But listen,' I said to him, 'with a an exceptional voice like yours you could be a singer in the opera, or you could be a salesman in the market, or you could be a ringmaster in the circus!  It's a shame to waste a wonderful, powerful voice like yours out in the woods, don't you think?  You could probably make far better use of it in the city.'

            " 'That's what I say to myself sometimes,' the man of the woods admitted.  'Well, I'll try and do something somewhere else then, but what am I going to do about my voice?'

            "So gentlemen, I rubbed his throat with iodine,  prescribed some chlorcal and hypermanganese for him to gargle and some anginol to put on a dressing around his neck.  And ever since then, nobody has ever heard Hejkal in the woods again; he kept his word, moved away from the woods and doesn't frighten anyone any more.  It was only many years later that I heard of him again, from the big city of Hurdyburdy.  I was told that Hejkal had taken up politics, and with his powerful voice he was able to give speeches at meetings with so much success that he is now a member of parliament and doing very well for himself.

            "And I'm telling you all this so that Mr. Magus can see that there are some disorders where a change of air can work wonders."

 

The Case of the Water Sprite in Havlovice

            "I had an interesting case once too," said the doctor from Úpice. "There was an old water sprite living near us in the roots of the willows and alders by the footbridge.  Joudal, his name was, and very bad tempered.  He was surly and ill mannered, and sometimes he'd cause a flood or drown one of the children who'd gone there for a swim.  In short, the people who lived near the river were never glad to see him. 

            "One winter an old man came to see me in my surgery, he wore a green frock-coat and a red scarf round his neck, and he groaned and coughed and wheezed and snorted and sighed and hesitated and then he mumbled, 'Doctor, I've caught a cold or a chill or something; I've gone red here, and here it itches and my back aches and my joints creak and I've got a cough and I can hardly walk and my nose is always blocked; so please give me something to make me feel better.'

            "So I examined him, and I said, 'You're getting old, and you've got rheumatism.  I'll give you this ointment for you to rub into your joints, but it won't be enough by itself.  You've got to keep yourself warm and dry, do you understand?'

            " 'Yes, I understand', the old man grumbled, 'but I don't think I'll be able to keep warm and dry all the time.'

            " ' And why can't you manage that?' I asked.

            " 'Well,' said the old man, 'I'm the Havlovice water sprite, doctor.  How am I supposed to keep warm and dry in the water?  I even have to wipe my nose in the water, I sleep in the water and cover myself up in the water.  It's only now, when I've been getting older, that I've even begun to make my bed with soft water instead of hard water so that it's a bit easier to lie on.  But keeping myself warm and dry all the time, I don't think I can manage that, can I.'

            " 'Whether you can help it or not, if you're in cold water all the time this rheumatism is only going to get worse.  Old bones need warmth.  How old actually are you?'

            " 'Oh, oh,' the water sprite groaned, 'doctor, doctor, I've been here since pagan times - that must be at least a thousand years, maybe more.  Oh yes, I've been here a good many a year, I have.'

            " 'Well you see,' I told him, 'you're going to have to stay up on a stone now at your age.  Hold on though, I've got an idea!  Have you ever heard of hot springs?'

            " 'Yes I've heard of them, course I've heard of them,' the old man complained, 'but there aren't any hot springs round here.'

            " 'Not here, no,' I agreed, 'but there are hot springs in Teplice and Píšťany and lots of other places.  They are quite deep in the ground, but these hot springs are just the thing for an old and rheumatic water sprite.  You just sit down in the hot water as if you were a hot water sprite and it cures your rheumatism for you.'

            " 'Hm, hm,' said the old man uncertainly, 'and what does a hot water sprite actually have to do?'

            " 'He doesn't have to do very much,' I told him.  'He just has to draw the water up from inside the earth so that the spring doesn't get cold, and if there's any hot water left over he lets it out onto the surface.  That's all.'

            " 'That'd be alright then, I suppose,' the water sprite admitted.  'I'll start looking round for one of these hot water spirngs then.  Thanks very much, doctor.'  He hobbled out of the surgery and all that was left of him was a puddle on the floor.

            "So you see, colleagues, that water sprite in Havlovice was sensible and listened to what I told him.  He found himself a place in a hot spring in Slovakia and he draws so much hot water up out of the earth that it never stops flowing.  People go to bathe at this hot spring and it does good for their rheumatism too, in fact they go there from all over the world.  So follow his example, Mr. Magus, and listen to everything you're told by us doctors."

 

The Case of the Fairies

            "I had a rather odd case once, too," the doctor from Hořičky said.  "I was fast asleep one night when someone knocked at the door and called out, 'Doctor, doctor!'

            "I opened the window and asked, 'What is it?  Does somebody need me?'

            " 'Yes,' answered a sweet and anxious voice from the darkness.  'Come, come and help us!'

            " 'Who is it?' I asked.  'Who's that calling?'

            " 'Me, the voice of the night,' it said from the shadows.  'The voice of this moonlit night. Come!'

            " 'Alright, I'm coming,' I said as if I were still dreaming, and quickly got dressed.  Once I was down in front of the house there was no-one there.  This, I can tell you, made me quite uneasy.  'Hello,' I called out quietly, 'is someone there?  Where do I have to go?'

            " 'Follow me, follow me,' sobbed the slight and invisible voice; so I went in the direction it had come from, on the path and off the path, through dew-covered fields and black-dark woods; the moonlight shone and the whole world sparkled in icy beauty.  Now, I know the area where I live like the back of my hand; but that moonlit night seemed unreal, like a dream.  Sometimes you can find a different world quite close to your own home. 

            "After I'd been following that voice for quite a long time I began to think I might be in the valley by Ratibořice.  'This way, doctor, this way,' the voice called out - it had a sound like the water in a river when it glitters and splashes, and there I was standing at the bank of the River Úpa in a silvery meadow lit up by the light of the moon.  In the middle of this meadow there was something glowing; it could have been someone's body or it could have just been the mist, and maybe I heard somebody gently crying or maybe I heard just the flow of the water. 

            " 'Now then, now then,' I said gently, 'who are we then, and what's the matter?'

            " 'Oh, doctor,' answered the light on the ground in a shaking voice, 'I'm just a fairy who lives out in the wilds.  My sisters were dancing, I was dancing with them then, I don't know, maybe I tripped over a moonbeam or maybe I just slipped on the shine that quivers on the drops of dew, I don't know what happened to me; all of a  sudden I was lying on the ground and couldn't stand up and my legs were hurting, hurting hurting ...'

            " 'Well now miss,' I said, 'I expect that'll be a fracture or a broken leg.  But that can be mended.  So you're one of the faires who dance out here in the valley, are you?  Well I never!   And when one of the lads comes out here from Žernov or Slatina and joins you, you dance him to death, do you?  Hm, hm.  You know you shouldn't really do that, don't you.  You seem to have got what you deserved this time.  That's what comes of all this dancing you do!'

            " 'Oh, doctor,' the patch of light in the grass groaned, 'if you only knew how much leg hurts!'

            " 'Yes, I know it hurts,' I told her, 'a fractured leg will always hurt.'  So I knelt down beside this fairy to have a look at her broken leg.

            "Now gentlemen, I've mended hundreds and hundreds of broken legs, but with a fairy it's much harder to do.  A fairy's body is only made of beams of light, and the bones are only made of beams of light that are a little bit harder - you can't get a hold on them, they're as thin as air, like light, like the mist, and then you have to straighten them, draw them and bind them!  I can tell you, that was a very tricky job indeed.  I tried to bind the leg with spider's web, but the fairy screamed, 'Oh, that's cutting in like a rope!'  I tried to strengthen the leg with petal from an apple blossom, but the fairy cried, 'Oh that's crushing me like a stone!'

            "So what was I supposed to do?  In the end, what I did was I took the shine, just that metallic glitter, that you get on the wings of dragonflies and damselflies and made two little splints out of it; I took a beam of moonlight and dissolved it in a drop of dew so that I could separate out the seven colours of the rainbow, and then I used the very finest ray of blue light to bind these splints to the fairy's broken leg.  All this was a lot of hard work, and it made me sweat - that full moon seemed to be roasting me like the sunshine in August; and when I had finished I sat down next to the fairy and I said:

            " 'Well now, miss, you must rest now and don't move that leg until it's better.  But there's something I'd like to ask you, how come you and your sisters are still here?  All the sprites and fairies that used to be here went away a long time ago to find somewhere better ...'

            " 'Such as where?' asked the fairy with a sigh.

            " 'Well how about America?  Hollywood?' I said.  'That's where they make all the films, you know.  They play and dance for the movie industry, and they get lots of money for it and all the world can look at them - they all become famous.  They all went to join the film business just as quickly as they could.  You should see all the clothes and the jewelry these fairies wear - they'd never have their fun in such a simple way as you do!'

            " 'Oho,' the fairy objected, 'these clothes are woven from the light of fire-flies!'

            " 'Yes, exactly,' I told her, 'nobody wears that any more, and the cut nowadays is quite different.'

            " 'Are they wearing long frocks these days?' the fairy asked, eager to hear more.

            " 'Well I can't tell you about that,' I told her, 'I don't really know much about these things.  But you should at least have a look at this Hollywood.  To get there you first have to go to Hamburg or Le Havre.  But I'd better be going, it'll be light soon, and as far as I know you fairies can only come out when it's dark, can't you.  Well, goodbye, miss, and you think about Hollywood.'

            "I never saw that fairy again, but I expect that broken shin bone healed up alright.  And what do you think?: those fairies were never seen again dancing in Ratibořice Valley.  I expect they must have all gone off to Hollywood to be in the films.  So watch out for them next time you see a film; up on the screen it looks like ordinary men and women moving about, but they don't have a body, you can't touch them, they're made of nothing but beams of light, and that's how you can tell that they're really just fairies.  And that's why they have to turn the lights out in a cinema, because the fairies and all the other monsters are afraid of the light and only come to life when it's dark.

            "This is why monsters and fairies don't really fit in the modern world unless they find themselves a different job, but at least there are plenty of chances for them to do so."

 

            Dear me, children, with all these stories we've all but forgotten about Magus the Magician!  So be it, as all this time he hasn't been able to talk because of the plum stone stuck in his throat.  All he can do is sweat with fear, roll his eyes and wish these four doctors would do something to help him!

            "Well Mr. Magus," said the doctor from Kostelec, finally, "we'll soon be ready to carry out the operation.  But first we'll need to wash our hands as you have to be very clean when you do surgery."

            And so the four doctors all began to wash their hands; first in hot water, then in pure alcohol, then in petrol, then in carbolic soap; then they each put on a clean white coat and then ... oh dear, then the operation began.  If you don't want to look you'd better close your eyes now. 

            "Vincek," the doctor from Hořička ordered, "hold the patient's hand so that he doesn't move!"

            "Are you ready, Mr. Magus?" asked the doctor from Úpice seriously.

            The Magus merely nodded, but he was actually just a little bit afraid.

            "Now!" called out the doctor from Hronov.  And then the doctor from Kostelec lifted his arm up high and gave Magus the Magician such a thump in the back that ... :

- it sounded like thunder, and all the people in the towns of Náchod, Starkoč, and even in Smiřice looked round to see if there wasn't a storm on the way. 

- it made the earth shake so that a shaft in a disused mine collapsed and in Náchod the church tower wobbled.

- all round the area all the pigeons flew up in a fright, all the dogs crawled into their kennels in fear and all the cats began to run about.

- and that plum stone shot out of the magician's throat with so much speed and force that it didn't drop to the ground until it had gone past two cities, killing two bulls on the way and gouging a furrow in the ground that was three furlongs four yards and six and three quarter inches long.

            So the plum stone flew out of the magician's throat and straight after it came the words, ' ... umsy fool', which had been waiting in there so long to get out.  This was the second half of what the magician had been saying to poor, freckle-faced Vincek, which was 'you clumsy fool'.  The words didn't fly as far as the stone though, and they only landed one city away and only knocked down one old pear tree.

            Then the magician put his moustache back as it should be and said, "Thank you very much, gentlemen".

            "Glad to have been of service," answered the four doctors.  "The operation has been a success."

            "Although," said the doctor from Úpice, "for you to get fully better again, you will need to rest for a couple of hundred years, and I strongly urge you to get a change of scene and weather, just like that water sprite in Havlovice."

            "I am in full agreement with my colleague," declared the doctor from Hronov.  "You will need a lot of fresh air and sunshine to improve your health, just like that princess in the Sultanate of Solomon.  For this reason, I strongly urge you to spend some time in the Sahara Desert."

            "As far as I'm concerned," added the doctor from Kostelec, "I am of the same opinion.  For you, Mister Magus, the Sahara Desert would be exceptionally good, especially as there are no plum trees there that might put your health in danger."

            "I take the same view as my honoured colleagues," said the doctor from Hoříčky.  "And as you are a magician, Mister Magus, you might like to do some research in the desert and think about how your magic could make the desert moist and fertile so that people could live and work there.  Now that would be a very nice story to tell your children."

            So what could the magician do?  He gave a very nice thankyou to the four doctors, packed all his magic in a suitcase and moved away from Hejšov to the Sahara Desert.  Since then, there hasn't been a wizard in Hejšov, nor a black-magician nor a warlock, and that's good; but Magus the magician is still alive and well and thinking about how to use his magic to put fields and woods and towns and villages in the desert - and you, children, perhaps you will live long enough to see it happen.